The Golden Arches of Wrestling

It's quick. It's cheesy. It's only momentarily satisfying, but with a slightly greasy, guilty aftertaste. It's the McDonald's of wrestling. McMahon's is shoving drugged, un-human, overly-beefy dandys down our collective throats and calls it Entertainment the same way those Golden Arches shove drugged, overly beefed processed patties and call it nutrition. This "Sports Entertainment" is satisfying for the fans and, like fast food, horribly unhealthy for everyone involved. What used to be revered a sport has been sacrificed at the altar of our short attention span and desire for convenience alongside breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

What am I saying, you ask? Have you not been online all weekend? (I know I haven't, thanks to faulty internet and a trip to my grandparents for a family reunion.) This past weekend three different news organizations have reported almost 20 names of professional wrestlers, all but one a recent WWE star, who have been buying their steroids from an online pharmacy in New York. You don't believe me? Don't be so glib! I'm the "Mad Scientologist of Professional Wrestling," after all. I'll let you see the names, and the articles they came from.

Sports Illustrated lists Chris Benoit(deceased), Eddie Guerrero(deceased), Brian "Crush" Adams(deceased), Sylvain Grenier(released), Chavo Guererro, Shane Helms, Randy Orton, John Hennigan (Johnny Nitro/John Morrison), Ken Anderson (Mr. Kennedy... Kennedy), Sho Funaki, Charlie Haas, Edward Fatu(Umaga), Darren Matthews(William Regal), and Adam Copeland(Edge). Adding to that list, the New York Daily News adds Mike Bucci(Nova/Simon Dean, just released), Robert Huffman(Booker T), and Anthony Carelli(Santino Marella). ESPN also threw in Dave Bautista(Batista), and Chris Mordecki(Chris Masters).

In total, that's 19 different names listed. Nineteen. "But JJ, three of them are dead." That's right. One of them from a steroid related heart condition(Guerrero), and one was prescribed an OVERWHELMING amount of Roids before stunning the world and putting the spotlight on wrestling(Benoit). The other, we don't really know about. What this means is that two years ago, there were at least eighteen guys on the WWE roster on "the juice." There's no real telling how many truly are. Apparently, Batista is adamantly denying his name being in the hat, but how many people look at Batista and think "Wow, what natural size?" What's surprising here isn't just the obivous. It's the names that seem out of place. Who, in their right mind, would think Funaki is using steroids? Smackdown's #1 Announcer needed steroids? REALLY?? Look at who else is named on the list. Umaga?? Regal?? Chavo?? SIMON DEAN?? Looks like we finally figured out the secret to the Simon System, huh?

What kills me isn't that there are so many names listed. It's that a business that once built itself around guys who could go sixty minutes a night and hold their own in a barfight now only ask their wrestlers to go 10 minutes on TV and jack themselves up on steroids to look like they're powerful. Much like what Ray Kroc did with the restaurant, Vince McMahon has now turned what we know and love as Professional Wrestling into a "Fast Food" version called "Sports Entertainment." Instead of Wrestlers, Women Wrestlers, Veterans and Referees we get "Superstars," "Divas," "Legends" and "WWE Officials." The Big Macs, Chicken McNuggets, Quarter Pounders and "Apple Pies" of our sport. The focus is less on the Wrestling and more on the Entertainment in World Wrestling Entertainment.

I'm not saying that Vince should close up shop and live his life in shame. Maybe, though, he should focus more on the Sport and less on the Entertainment. More on the Food and less on the Fast. It will only make things better for us all in the end.

You can "stick it" to JJ Dangerously here.

You can add some "juice" to Da Wrestling Board's conversation on the steroid suspensions here.